Michelle4Laughs, Writer's OutWorld, and SCWrite.
I made it into Round 1 as alternate when someone had to back out, so I'm a long shot for sure because these are some wonderful entries!
Round 1 is complete - and if I counted right - I made it through to round 2. My entry, along with my Kombatant Wishwell is here. So much wonderful feedback from the judges and other Kombatants.
I've made massive changes to my query and first 250 - which are posted below. I'd love some feedback. Better? Still needs work?
Kombat name: Interstellar Pez
Title: MIGHTY MIKE AND THE ALIEN PEZ DISPENSER
Genre: MG Sci-fi/Adventure
Word count: 43k
Query:
Eleven-year-old Mike daydreams of becoming superhero Mighty Mike, but all that gets him is top billing on The List of Chumps to be Pounded after School.
His love for all things science and science fiction lands him in the middle of a Federal investigation when a badly dressed, blue creature invades his favorite hiding spot and begs for help researching human reactions to alien environments. Candies from a shiny red dispenser will test Mike’s responses to extraterrestrial conditions by triggering temporary super (and not-so-super) powers. Mike figures he’ll be able to blast his name off The List forever.
Speed, strength, and invisibility—awesome. Frog legs and belching zoo-animal noises, not so spectacular. But if Mike wants to become a real hero, he will have to save his friends—and worst enemy—from Feds who aren’t what they seem and a four-armed, snout-faced alien wielding the Interstellar Remote Control of Everything.
First 250:
Mike stuffed his spaceship doodled notes and yesterday’s quiz with a large “A++” into his backpack. The zipper shredded the pages, but he flung the half-closed pack over his shoulder and sprinted from the classroom before the bell finished ringing. He burst through the front doors as the halls filled with fifth and sixth graders. The yellow backpack thudded against his back as he dashed toward the community park.
After
the science teacher referred to him as the next Einstein, Brutus chanted
Afro-Einstein for weeks. Which totally baffled Mike since his close-cropped
hair didn’t look anything like Einstein’s wild tufts.
The
puddle stilled into a mirror. A shadow loomed over Mike’s watery reflection. He
leapt to his feet—right into the puddle—ready to sling his backpack into
Brutus’ head.
Except
it wasn’t Brutus.
I've been following your piece for a while, MG, sci fi, and aliens, is all definitely right up my alley. I love your improvements. The voice in the query is spot on and the 250 as well.
ReplyDeleteA few minor suggestions/nitpicks:
In the query the transition into the last sentence in the second paragraph is a little rough. Then at the start of the third paragraph you go back to talking about super powers which I think fits better with the second paragraph. I'd swap the first two sentences in the last paragraph into the end of the second and start your third paragraph with something like:
With his new superpowers, Mike figures he’ll be able to blast his name off The List forever.
They very last sentence is a little long so you might want to consider breaking it up, and I'm not sure you need the dashes in that sentence, I think you are just saying friends and worst enemy.
In the 250
This line "Girls with glasses, the crossing guard, the town drunk—many felt Brutus’s twisted idea of fun." tripped me up a bit because the bit after the dash didn't feel like it fit with the first part of the sentence.
Also the transition into the second to last paragraph that starts with "The puddle stilled into a mirror." felt a little rough since you just spent a lot of time talking about the list prior to.
Other than that I'm in love with the concept and the voice. I'd definitely keep reading. Good luck in the next round of the contest!
LOVED IT!
ReplyDeleteThe only sentence that threw me was:
The List wasn’t limited to boys or kids either.
the "or kids either" threw me
I'd suggest
The List wasn't limited to sixth grade boys.
The rest is perfecto!
Aliens and powers and an Interstellar Remote Control of Everything = sounds super awesome! The voice works well in both the query and 250.
ReplyDeleteThe line "Girls with glasses, the crossing guard, the town drunk—many felt Brutus’s twisted idea of fun." tripped me up as well, but my confusion is with the use of "felt". It took me a few times to understand you meant "experienced" rather than physically feeling it. (Maybe that's just me though!)
The only thing I might suggest for your query is the line "His love for all things science and science fiction lands him in the middle of a Federal investigation when a badly dressed, blue creature invades his favorite hiding spot and begs for help researching human reactions to alien environments." is a bit on the long side. Maybe break it into two sentences?
Subjectivity sucks, and I always think about it when I critique because I find that what one person says is good, another will say otherwise. So either way, I think your entry is pretty great!
Congrats for making it into round two! I loved loved loved your query! I thought it was funny with great voice. My only nitpick would be to change "science and acience fiction" to "science and sci-fi" just to make it read a little easier.
ReplyDeleteLoved the sample too! I haven't read any MG (not counting the first few HP's), but I thought this was great and full of voice. Sorry, no crits- it was all good! Good luck in the contest but I don't think you'll need it!